When You Believe
by littlemissaddicted
Summary: Where is Meredith and Derek's relationship at after the season three finale? When they finally realize they are meant for each other, where do they go next? Chapter seven is up!
1. Chapter 1

**When you believe**

The wedding dress lay in a perfect ring on the floor, literally where it had fallen, where the bride had literally been cut out of the dress. The choker that had been ripped off in a hurry was lying two feet away, exactly where is had been thrown three hours previous. Both were a reminder of shattered dreams and broken fairytale endings. And not only for the bride.

Meredith Grey sat silently on the couch, wishing that she could rewind the day, rewind the months back to when she was still bright and shiny, or as close as she has ever come to actually being bright and shiny. She felt like the weight of the world was on her shoulders, and she had no way of lifting it. She couldn't. Not alone. Alone. The word echoed in her head, causing her stomach to turn over. Alone. She was all alone, and it was entirely her own fault.

Meredith was used to being alone. It was the story of her life. No matter what she did, people left her. Her Father had left when she was 5 years old, and though she wouldn't admit it to anyone, it affected her. It affected her more than she would like, and though she hadn't realized it till recently, it had started Meredith on a downward spiral from which she so wanted to recover. But she didn't know how, she didn't know if she was able, and she didn't know if there was any point even trying.

Her Mother left her too. Meredith was used to coming home to an empty, cold house, while her Mother stayed at the hospital, taking care of everyone else's families and neglecting her own. Meredith knew that her Mother had never really wanted her, that she had not only put a damper on her medical career but also her relationship with Richard Webber. Her Mother had told her, often, in her more lucid states, how much she resented having a child and what life would have been like had Meredith not been born.

_I should never have had a kid._

Those words had reached into the very core of Meredith's being, and pierced her heart. While she had been aware growing up of how her Mother felt, it had never been so coldly stated as factual. And it hurt. It hurt more than she cared to acknowledge. Her Mother's Alzheimer's had taken away Meredith's chance of starting again with her Mother, and was just another example of how people left her. And then on top of all the other times her Mother had left her alone, her Mother's death had meant that she was truly alone, with no hope of fixing her relationship with Ellis Grey. And the last thing her Mother had said to her still remained, forever burned into her memory.

_"You're happy? You're happy now? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature. Passionate, focused, a fighter. What happened to you? You've gone soft! Stammering about a boyfriend and saying you're waiting to be inspired. You're waiting for inspiration? Are you kidding me?! I have a disease for which there is no cure, I think that would be inspiration enough! Listen to me, Meredith. Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy! But not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you are no more than... ordinary! What happened to you?!"_

And then there was Susan. Susan had left her too. Just as Meredith had started opening up to her, she too had left her alone, alone in a world that was just too much for her to handle sometimes. Meredith thought back on how her relationship with Susan had progressed from meeting her for the first time in the hospital, to having Susan and her Father over for dinner and really making a connection. A connection as a family, something Meredith desperately wanted. Susan had represented to Meredith the kind of Mother she always wished Ellis could have been. Susan was sweet, kind, thoughtful…she bought over groceries and talked about every day normal things. She even scolded when it was warranted. Susan had been a connection to her Father. And then she died. From hiccups. It didn't seem to matter how trivial something was, it always managed to affect Meredith and those in her life, those she was closest too. Susan's death hadn't only taken away her 'fake mommy,' but it had torn Meredith away from her Father. She could still see the look on his face when she told him his wife was gone, taken away from him forever. He had looked shocked, and then angry. The look on his face still haunted Meredith. She could understand the slap to some degree. He had lost his wife, the person who meant the world to him and he had lashed out in pain. But the thing that haunted her the most was the last words her Father had said to her, when he had banned her from the funeral.

_I came here to tell you, you're not wanted, Meredith._

And that was really what it came down to, all her intimacy issues, her trust issues, they all stemmed from the fear that she wasn't, and never would be, truly wanted, truly loved by someone.

But perhaps the one abandonment that had hurt her the most was Derek. When he had chosen Addison, something inside Meredith had snapped. And she was desperate to fix it. She needed to fix it because without it she was even more lost than before. Trust. Trust was what had snapped, what had broken, and if she didn't find a way to fix it she would be alone forever. But that was easier said than done. She wasn't sure if he had noticed, but since they had got back together, not once had Meredith told Derek she loved him. She did…so much…so much it physically hurt, but she was incapable of saying it, of putting herself out there again only to be rejected and end up alone. Again. The last, and only, time she had told him she loved him, he had walked away. He had chosen Addison, and while she knew that he would not be the man she loved if he hadn't given his marriage a shot, she also knew it had damaged something inside her. And now she was deathly afraid to tell him she loved him, something she knew he needed to hear because she was afraid he would walk away.

Meredith gave a little sigh, and got up from the couch, walking silently across the living room, and into Cristina's bedroom. She walked over to the bed, and leaned over her best-friend to see if she was still sleeping. Cristina looked like a shadow of her former self, the tear-stained cheeks so out of character for the hardass surgeon. Although it may not have seemed like it, Cristina had wanted to marry Burke. But she was having difficulty because while she had wanted to marry him, she had not wanted to have to change for him, and that is what had slowly been happening. Cristina had been shaving off bits of her personality to appease Burke, something he had finally realized on their wedding day. And he had walked away. He had literally packed up the things he treasured most and left town. No-one had heard or seen him since he had left the church. Cristina's words played in Meredith's mind, over and over again.

"_I'm free. Damn it!"_

When Burke had come out of the church to confront Cristina, and had, in effect, set her free, a little light of hope had died within Meredith. She had never witnessed a happy, successful relationship, and it had become extremely important for her to see that it was possible to have a happy ending. She had needed Cristina to get married in order to prove to herself that one day she could have it all. But when the wedding had failed to take place, Meredith was crushed beneath the weight of fear and doubt. Fear and doubt which just might have ruined the relationship with the person she loved the most.

Meredith backed out of the room, grabbing the blanket from the foot of the bed on her way out. She sank back onto the sofa, memories of Derek flooding into her mind. Derek, who loved her, and wanted her to be happy. Derek, who had saved her from drowning, Derek, who had never expected her to change for him. Derek, who loved her enough to walk away, and to let her try to be happy with Finn, if that is what she wanted.

"_I wanted to come over here this morning to tell you... But now all I want to tell you is that I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you forever. And now you have a choice to make. I want you to take all the time you need, I don't want to rush you, but I love you. Just take your time. Because when I had to make a choice... I chose wrong."_

_"You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn't complicate your life. Somebody who won't hurt you. He's the better guy. Finn's the better guy. I'm walking away."_

"_I'm just a guy, and we started this thing. We started this thing. You didn't know anything about me. The good, the bad, the wife. You didn't even know my name. You didn't know me. I want you to know me. I want to start over from the beginning. So, hi, I'm Derek Shepherd."_

_"From now on, you can expect that I'm gonna show up. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'm always gonna show up. Okay?"_

"_I am your knight in shining whatever."_

"_Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me. So, I'm asking you, if you don't see a future with us. Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."_

Tears slowly ran down her cheeks and dripped off her chin. She was in it, she saw a future for them and it had scared her because she didn't know if he saw a future for them. But before the wedding he had said that he did, that he wanted more, that she was the love of his life. He _was _her knight in shining…whatever. He made her happy, content. Despite what her mother had thought, loving Derek didn't make her ordinary. Loving Derek was what made her extraordinary. He had given her back her life; he gave her something to smile about, to be happy about. She wanted to learn to let him in, to give him a place in her life the way she had with Cristina. But Cristina had never left her. Cristina had stayed and picked up the pieces after Derek had left the last time. But now…now it seemed as if he was in it for good. _'I can't leave you, but you are constantly leaving me.'_ Oh God, what had she done? Meredith pulled the blanket up around her chin, and sobbed quietly into the pillow.

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Derek Shepherd loosened his tie, his head falling forward into his palms, the emotion of the day finally taking hold. He had come to the one place he could think, to try and digest all that had happened. He had walked into the gallery and sat down, feelings rushing through him, rendering him effectively useless. He had returned to the hospital after the wedding had been cancelled, after Meredith had walked up the aisle to inform everyone that the wedding was over, and with that statement, she had broken his heart. Her words kept coming back to him.

"_It's over. You can all go home. It's so over."_

His mind kept flashing back to their conversation in the locker room.

_"Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me. So, I'm asking you, if you don't see a future with us. Please... please just end it because I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."_

_"I... I can't. Christina's getting married. I have to go... to make sure she's getting married," she has stammered._

_"Meredith?" he had said, incredulously.  
_

_"I really need to make sure she gets down that aisle," she had replied, her voice desperate._

She had once again chosen her friends over him, and the pain that caused nearly crippled him. He loved her more than life itself but he didn't seem to be enough for her. He couldn't make her stay with him, but he couldn't imagine his life without her. So he sat, silent, looking down into the OR, memories of her filling his head.

He remembered when they had first met, when he had just been a guy in a bar and she had just been a girl. A girl who had caught his attention the minute he laid eyes on her. She had looked almost regal, despite the fact she was sitting at a bar mainlining tequila. Her dirty blonde hair fell in soft waves down her back, settling around her shoulders, framing her face. Her black dress, with slits up the sides and the strappy sandals woven around her delicate ankles made him think perhaps she had been on a date, or at least somewhere fancy. She had literally taken his breath away, and it wasn't just her appearance. There had been something about her, something he couldn't put his finger on, but it had captured his attention, it had drawn him in like an invisible line tying him to her. She had been 'just a girl', but she was so much more than that. So much more.

_"Double scotch, single malt please," he said, turning to look at the woman next to him. "So, is this a good place to hang out?"_

_  
"I wouldn't know, never been here before," she replied._

_  
"You know what? I haven't either. First time here. I'm new in town. Never been to Seattle. Ah, you're ignoring me."_

_  
"Trying to," she answered, a little amusement tainting her words._

"_You shouldn't ignore me!"_

"_Why not?" she replies, curiously._

_"Because I'm the kind of guy you need to get to know to love," he replied._

_  
"So you're saying if I get to know you, I'll love you?"_

_  
"That's right."_

He flashed back to the only time she had ever said 'I love you,' when he had made the worst mistake of his life in trying to repair his marriage, a marriage that was broken long before he met Meredith. He remembered her words, and her begging him not to leave him.

"_Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."_

But he had. He had left. He had left her to pick up the pieces; he had gone back to Addison more out of duty than anything else. He loved Addie, but he wasn't _in love_ with her, and if he was honest he hadn't been for years. If he was honest, he had left Meredith because he was scared…scared of what she made him feel, terrified of the power she had over him and how often she was on his mind.

He thought about their bright and shiny moment, the one that had not even lasted a day, before they had decided to be dull and lifeless together.

_"We can take it slow. We can take it incredibly slow," he had murmured into her hair._

_  
"We're taking it slower than that! We're starting fresh!" she had replied._

_  
"And starting fresh means no sex, because..." he had asked, the question lingering in the air._

_  
"Because we started with sex last time, and that didn't go so well. Plus the waiting is fun, and we need fun. From now on I want to be bright and shiny."_

He thought back to the one thing she had said that had given him hope that she was in it as much as he was.

_"When I drowned, it was different for you than it was for me. Something happened to me, and I really don't know how to explain it without sounding like... I just feel different - I want to be better at everything, and I want to let you in. I swear. Just, now is not the time to give up on me, okay? That's what I'm saying."  
_

He knew she had said that she wanted to let him in, and the look on her face when she said it had made him believe that she meant it. She had been trying not to break down. So to diffuse the situation, and give her a much needed breather, he had asked her if she had practiced her speech. And she had laughed; that gorgeous laugh that still, no matter how many times he heard it, wrapped around him and made him smile, that made him feel warm all over. When she had laughed, he had thought, 'mission accomplished.' But that was the last time he had heard her laugh. After her informing him that she wanted to let him in, so much had happened to her that he wondered if she would be able to dig her way out of the crap that had literally tumbled down on her. He knew her life was difficult at the moment, and he was honestly amazed that she was still upright. And he knew that he had promised her he would always show up, but that was a promise that was getting more and more difficult to keep. She constantly chose her friends over him, and continually wanted to struggle through an experience on her own. His biggest fear was that he wasn't enough for her and that she would leave him. And it seemed to be coming true.

When he had pulled her tiny, frozen body out of Elliot Bay, he had spent the scariest hours of his life praying for her to breathe, praying for her to come back to him. He had been forced to stand by and watch as the woman he loved struggled for her life and there wasn't anything he could do. And while he had waited for her to breathe, for her heart to start beating once more, all he could think was that he had failed her. He had known something was off, he had known what her Mother had said, he had known how badly it had affected her, had broken her, yet he hadn't made her talk. He should have, he should have pushed her, forced her to open up. But he hadn't. He had failed her. He was not enough for her to want to keep living. He had been living with that fear ever since, and it just wouldn't leave him. She was the air he breathed, and he wondered if he could continue to exist in a world where she didn't. At night he dreamed of her wet, lifeless body, of her beautiful, porcelain face blue from cold and lack of oxygen. He hadn't had a good night sleep in weeks, and it wasn't getting better. If anything, it was getting worse.

As Derek sat, his head in his hands, he blocked out all the sound around him, and never noticed the woman come into the room, heels clicking on the floor, and sit down next to him.

"Derek. Derek!" Addison demanded. "What are you doing?"

Derek pulled his hands away from his face, and turned his head to look at his ex-wife.

"I'm sitting here, where it was once peaceful and quiet," he replied, frowning at her.

"Oh, don't give me that. That's not what I meant, and you know it. What are you _doing_, Derek?

Derek sighed, knowing she was far too stubborn to let it go. "I honestly don't know, Addison."

"Derek, when she said it was over, did she mean…?" Addison asked cautiously.

"It would seem so," he replied wearily.

"And you are sitting her because….?" She asked, staring at him, trying to gauge where he was at.

"I'm not in the mood for this Addison. You lost the right to nag me when our divorce papers were signed," he snapped.

"Derek, I know she loves you. It is written all over her face, just like it is written all over yours! You never felt about me the way you feel about her, and yet you seem to have fought harder for our marriage than you are for the woman who makes you light up just by smiling at you! What the hell is wrong with you? Why won't you fight for what you want? For what you obviously need?" Addison demanded to know.

"Because……because I don't know who she is anymore, Addison. She shuts me out of her life every chance she gets. She will let everyone in but me. I….I just don't know her anymore," Derek whispered.

Addison felt her frustration reach boiling point. This was the final straw. The men in this hospital had her wanting to rip her hair out in giant clumps. She took a deep breath, before saying, "Derek, you have always known who she is. She is the woman who bought back that twinkle in your eye, who makes you feel alive, who loves you more than life itself. She is the woman who has been going through more in the last little while than anyone should ever have to go through. She has lost her mother, her step-mother and for all wants and purposes, her father, all in the space of a few months. She is probably confused, scared and feeling incredibly unsure. She is a little lost right now, but underneath she is still the woman you know and love. And you know it."

Derek turned away from Addison, stood up and walked over to the glass separation, looking down into the OR. His shoulders slumped, and he let out a sigh.

"I know _I_ love _her_, that is what I _know_. But as for her loving me? She has said it once, Addison, once, and she had never said it again. So don't tell me I know that she loves me, because I don't even think she knows anymore. I don't think she wants it as much as I do. I'm not enough for her….I wasn't enough for her when she…." He broke off, not wanting Addison to know he was the guy who dreamed of his dead girlfriend. Because she _had_ been dead. She _had_ left him, and he knew now what it would feel like to lose her forever, and that feeling would not go away, it crippled him.

Addison looked at the broken man sitting before her, and wished he could have cared for her even a tenth as much as he did for Meredith. He looked awful, dark rings under his eyes, eyes swimming with unshed tears.

"Derek, you need to…." She was interrupted by the incessant beep of her pager. She picked it up, looked at it, sighed, and then slowly got to her feet.

"Just talk to her, alright?" She advised, before walking out of the room, the clicking heels indicating her departure, as they faded away.

Derek gave a half-hearted nod, and closed his eyes, pressing his head against the glass. The coolness seemed to sooth his mind, but not his worries. He loved her, he knew that, and he needed her, but he needed her to need him, to want to be with him, to feel for him the way he felt for her. _Talk to her._ That was easier said than done. Talking to Meredith at the moment was more often than not a very one sided conversation. Yet he had so much to say, so much fear, that it was overwhelming him. So he sat in the darkness, alone, her words still running through his head. _"It's over. You can all go home. It's so over."_


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith was rudely jarred out of sleep when something soft hit her in the face. She gave a little groan, and threw up her hands to ward off another attack.

"What the…….?" She exclaimed, her voice husky from crying herself to sleep.

"Get up! Get up! I'm going to the hospital and you are coming with me, so get up! I'm leaving in ten minutes. Get up or the next time it is water in your face!" Cristina called out from a cross the room.

"Get up..? Cristina, it is 3 o'clock in the morning! I'm not going to the hospital now, and neither are you! You have the week off, anyway." Meredith said, struggling into a sitting position, and rubbing her eyes.

"I'm going in. I need to cut something, and the only things available for me to cut without getting arrested for murder are at the hospital. So, I'm going in, and you are coming with me. Get your ass up from that sofa and get dressed. Now!! Move, move, move!" Cristina shouted, standing on the sofa and giving Meredith a solid kick on her backside.

Cristina's spiel brought back a memory, a memory of her and Derek, and the last time she had been kicked out of bed by Cristina. Meredith could hear his words coming rushing back, so clear that he could have been standing right next to her. She felt like she was falling, there was a rushing in her ears, like she had been transported back in time.

_"It was a Thursday morning; you were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole at the back of the neck. You'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you leaned to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. Quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. Then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."_

The room was silent, and the roaring in her ears subsided. Derek had remembered exactly what she had been wearing, exactly the way her hair had smelled, and exactly what she had said. He had remembered all that, even while he was with Addison, he had remembered. It was like he committed every moment with her to memory, in great detail, to play over in his mind later. Which, if she was honest, is what she sometimes did. She had never told him because it was such a girl thing to do, and a little embarrassing, but she replayed the first time he had said 'I love you' whenever she was sad, or feeling down, and it never failed to make her smile. Because he made her feel wanted. He made her _feel._ Her fear was that it couldn't last, that he wouldn't stay forever, that he would eventually come to the same conclusion most people in her life came to. That she wasn't worth the effort. And she didn't know if she could survive yet another heartbreak. She struggled to let him in, because she worried that if he knew too much about her, if she let him in on all her secrets, and the way she truly felt, it would hurt more if he left. So she had shut him out, trying to maintain that false 'bright and shiny' feeling.

On unsteady legs, Meredith rose up from the couch, folded the blanket and laid it over the armrest. Sighing, she turned to face Cristina. Cristina sat on the kitchen bench, dressed and ready for the day, a hot cup of coffee resting on her knee. She looked normal, which, quite frankly, worried Meredith. Meredith felt terrible, and couldn't stop thinking about Derek, but she had to put Cristina first. She had to make sure that Cristina was okay. While Meredith's relationship was also in shambles, she hadn't been meant to get married yesterday. So, for now, Cristina came first. And then she would deal with the mess she had made in her own relationship.

"Cristina?" She asked, pointing down at the bridesmaid dress she was still wearing. "Just what am I supposed to wear? I can't turn up at the hospital in this! And are you sure you want to go in? I mean, there will be the gossip, and…..you know, we can just stay home. Well, you can stay home, I have to go in, but you can definitely stay home and, I don't know, read a book or something. Or…"

"Stop rambling, Mer. I'm coping. I am. So hurry up, go grab some of my clothes if it is such a big deal, because I'm leaving in five minutes." Cristina interrupted, looking annoyed.

Meredith gave Cristina an annoyed look back, and hurried into the bedroom. Two minutes later she emerged, dressed in a pair of Cristina's jeans, and a black t-shirt. She stalked into the kitchen, grabbed a cup out of the cupboard, and poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Okay, I'm ready," she said, picking up her purse and her car keys. "Let's go."

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Derek awoke with a start, a feeling of dread curling in the pit of his stomach. When he had drifted off, he had had a reprieve from the panicked feeling that left him shaking and nauseous. _"It's over. You can all go home. It's so over." _He stretched out his leg, trying to work the cramp out, as pain shot up his calf muscle, and darted back down to his ankle. Whatever had possessed him to sleep in the gallery, he would never know. He just knew that he could not go to his trailer, he couldn't go back there and be inundated with memories of the times she had slept there with him, laughing and giggling at his attempts to complete a crossword puzzle without cheating. It turned out she was smarter than him, not that he would ever admit that to her. She would be impossible to live with if she knew that. A hint of a smile passed over his lips, before that nauseous feeling hit him again, and the smile was gone.

He pulled himself up off the floor, where he had literally slumped for the night, and ran his fingers through his hair. He still had on his suit, the yellow rose still in his lapel. He looked down into the OR, where everything was quiet and motionless, not one thing out of place. Everything, it seemed, was where it was supposed to be, but he wasn't. He was supposed to be curled up in Meredith's soft, cozy bed, spooning her warm, supple body, her back flat against his chest, and her slender legs wrapped around his. Instead, he was standing in a cold, dark, unwelcoming surgical gallery, contemplating what he was going to do now.

He rubbed his hand across his face in a desperate attempt to wake himself up, and pushed away from the wall. He had to fix it, or at least he had to try. He knew that he would regret just letting her go, letting her walk away. He thought back to what Addison had said. _"Derek, I know she loves you" _If Addison could see it, if his _ex-wife_ could see it….did it mean Meredith actually did see a future for them? But then, why would she have ended it?

Derek gave a frustrated shake of his head, before slowly walking out of the gallery. He wandered down the hall, heading towards the locker room. Once there, he splashed the frigid water over his face, the droplets clinging to his eyelashes, in a desperate attempt to wake himself up. He was stripping off his suit, and changing into his dark blue scrubs when it hit him. He knew who he could talk to, the one person who might be able to help him understand what Meredith was thinking, without actually seeing Meredith herself. Someone who knew and cared about Meredith, more than Meredith herself would ever admit. Derek tied up the laces on his shoes, grabbed his white coat, and headed for the door.

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Cristina swung the car into the hospital parking lot, narrowly missing the car in the park next door. Meredith turned her head sharply to look at Cristina, a look of shock on her face, and as the car slowed to a stop, released her fingers from the car handle, her fingers white from holding on with such force. Cristina had been driving faster than Meredith would have liked, and if she had had all her faculties when they had left Cristina's apartment, she would never have let her drive. But Cristina had snatched the car keys out of Meredith's hands when they had reached the car, and informed her that she was driving. However, Cristina was used to her motorbike, swerving in and out of traffic, changing lanes at warp speed. She was **not **used to driving Meredith's car, and Meredith made a mental note to **never **let Cristina hop in the driver's seat, ever again, even if it meant leaving Cristina bound and gagged in the back seat.

"Right, we're here. Let's go." Cristina said, sounding remarkably cheery.

"Which is a miracle in and of itself," Meredith muttered under her breath.

"What?" Cristina asked, twisting in her seat to grab her bag which she had thrown into the backseat upon entering the car.

"Nothing," Meredith quickly replied, leaping out of the car, her legs feeling a little like jelly. The hellish ride to the hospital had distracted her from Derek, but as she stared up at Seattle Grace, she knew he was in there. It was almost like a sixth sense, but she knew, she just knew that he hadn't gone to his trailer. He was in there, and now she had to face him, to face up to what she had done. She felt dizzy, a culmination of a terrifying ride, and the prospect of seeing the man she loved, and having to explain herself, to try to put into words why she was the way she was.

The two women slammed the car doors, each seemingly taking pleasure in letting their frustrations out, before quickly walking across the car park, and through the hospital doors.

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_**Okay, so just to apologize :) This chapter skips an awful lot between Meredith and Derek…so, sorry if that made it hard to read. I just wanted to be able to explain what each are thinking, before their eventual meeting. So, again, my apologies for that. Thanks for the reviews! They really encourage the writing process. I will do my best to get updates done as soon as possible, but some may take longer than others, as 3D life inevitably comes calling, and some chapters take a long time to form.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Derek strode down the hall towards his target, a look of determination on his face. He paused outside the door, composing himself before making a fist and rapping on the door three times.

"Come in," called the voice from inside.

Derek walked in, and saw the Chief sitting in his chair, a stack of papers in front of him, running his finger up and down the picture of Adele he kept on his desk, and had done since their split.

"What can I do for you, Derek," Richard asked, a puzzled look on his face.

"I need to talk to you…I need…..I don't…I need to talk to you about Meredith," Derek finally said, leaning against the wall, his arms folded in a protective gesture across his chest.

"Meredith? Have a seat, Derek." Richard said, indicating the other chair in his office.

Derek straightened up, and walked across the room, slowly, to give himself more time to think of what he was going to say. Now that he thought about it, he really _didn't _know what he was going to say, but he had to do something proactive. Sitting in the cold gallery, contemplating how is life had slowly gone to crap was not something that sat well with him. He was a surgeon, he fixed problems. The only difference was he knew how to fix problems that arose in surgery, he knew how to fix medical problems, but now…he had no idea how to begin fix his relationship, or if there was even a relationship to fix. He just knew he had to try. He pulled the chair out from beside the desk, and sat down facing Richard.

"So, what seems to be the problem, Derek?" Richard asked, leaning back in his chair.

"Meredith and I, we….it's over, Chief. And I need it to not be over, because…I love her. I _need _her, but I don't….I don't know how to fix it. I don't…" Derek pressed his hands against his temples, trying to rub away the tension headache that was slowly forming, pounding behind his temples.

Richard was silent for a moment, a mixed look of compassion and annoyance on his face, before he spoke. "What exactly are you telling me this for, Derek? This is your relationship, not mine."

Derek sighed, taking his hands away from his forehead, and looking across the desk at the Chief.

"You knew the Grey family, Richard, you have known her since she was a little girl. You know _her_. I need the knowledge you have if I'm to fix this. I need….something."

Richard was still for a moment, before getting up and walking over to the glass separating his office from his hospital, and looked out, his back to Derek.

"I've spent my whole life in this hospital, Derek. My whole life. I came back here the minute my fellowship was done, I was an attending in this hospital, then I became Chief. It all happened at Seattle Grace. But for all that I have accomplished in my career, my private life….I didn't do so well with that. For every success I had in my medical career, I had a failure in my personal life. But I was so caught up in where I wanted to get in my career that I didn't notice till it was too late, I didn't notice what it had done to my family, to my marriage. I neglected my family, Derek."

"Why are you….?" Derek started to ask, but Richard cut him off.

"Ellis Grey was cut from the same mold as I was, Derek. She had the same goals and ambitions that I had, she was focused on getting ahead, of getting where she wanted to be in her career, and she would let nothing stand in the way of that. Nothing. Not her husband, and certainly not her daughter. I'm not saying she was a bad person, because she wasn't. She was a woman I fell in love with, a woman who I had an affair with. I betrayed my marriage vows for her, I betrayed my wife for her, and she left her husband for me. But I couldn't leave Adele. Adele had done nothing wrong, Derek, but fall in love with a man who fell for another woman. I broke Adele. And I broke Ellis. When I left her…she became even more focused on her work. And she abandoned Meredith. Ellis was never a great mother, she had very little maternal instinct, and she never really wanted a family. Her career was enough for her. She didn't know how to deal with a crying baby, or an angry husband. From the minute Meredith was born, Thatcher looked after her. I remember him waiting for hours in the hospital, a crying baby in his arms, waiting for Ellis to finish in surgery. When Thatcher left…Meredith raised herself. She raised herself to become one of the kindest, smartest, most capable women I know. She grew from a shy little girl in pigtails, to an incredibly competent surgeon." Richard turned from the window to look at Derek, his expression troubled.

"Life has never dealt her a fair hand, Derek. She had a mother who didn't know how to tell her daughter she was proud of her, who didn't see the necessity for affection, and hated it in others. Meredith was raised to be independent, to figure things out on her own, and to never accept help from anyone. Because, to her, accepting help is a sign of weakness. And no daughter of Ellis Grey was ever allowed to appear weak. I don't blame Ellis. She couldn't help how she was born to be. She was born to operate, to strive for greatness. Her plans never included becoming a mother, being responsible for another life. It threw her, so she buried herself in her work, something she knew she was good at, the best at. She became 'The Ellis Grey.' And her daughter is the one who suffered."

"Ellis's Alzheimer's…it can't have been easy on Meredith. And then the ferry accident, the drowning, Ellis's death, it…like I said, life has never dealt her aces. And then the intern exam…There is only one person to blame for that. I should never have put her in that position…she should never have had to sit her exam the same day as her step-mother's funeral, which she wasn't even allowed to attend." Richard broke off, a bitter laugh seeping from his lips.

"What?" Derek said, giving a little shake of his head, trying to absorb everything Richard was saying. "Meredith went to the funeral."

"No. No, she didn't. Thatcher informed her, the best way he could in his drunken state, that she was not welcome at the funeral, on the grounds that she killed his wife." Richard replied, distain for the man evident in his tone of voice.

"What?!" Derek demanded, swiftly getting to his feet, fury pounding through his veins. "She never went to the funeral?"

"No." Richard said.

"Why didn't she tell me?" Derek asked. "Why wouldn't she…? Thatcher really accused her of…? _This_ is our problem, Richard. She won't talk to me. She won't tell me when things go wrong for her. She won't…"

"With Ellis…she wouldn't accept help, even when she needed it. I learnt you had to push through her barriers, and do what she required, despite her protests. Meredith is the same. In every other way possible she is different from her mother, but in that they are alike. If she is shutting you out, if she won't let you in, then you need to understand and accept why that is, Derek. She has learnt to rely on herself, to struggle through life alone. Asking for help does not come naturally to her."

"Why are you telling me this, Richard?" Derek asked, appearing distressed. "I know I asked, but to be honest, I didn't really expect you to answer without an argument. I half expected you to kick me out and send me home to sort it out myself."

Richard walked the few steps back to his desk, and sat down, sighing deeply.

"If anyone else had asked me? Yes, I would have. I would never have shared what I just shared with you. But I promised Ellis I would take care of her daughter. I promised her…I promised her that Meredith would be okay. Despite the way she came across, Ellis wanted Meredith to succeed, and she asked for my help. For Meredith to succeed, for her to be truly happy, she needs _you, _Derek. I need her to succeed. I need to make sure something happens in her life that is good for her, that she gets a fair deal for once in her life. You're a good man, Derek, and you make her happy."

Derek was silent for a moment, letting Richard's words sink in, before he said incredulously, "Did you just give me your approval?"

"I did." Richard replied, a half smile passing over his lips, before he resumed his 'Chief' persona. "But Derek…that doesn't mean I don't reserve the right to take it back," he warned.

Derek gave a short laugh, "Fair enough."

He turned and walked towards the door, pausing with his hand on the handle, and turned back to look at the Chief.

"Thank you, Richard," he said, sincerely.

Richard just nodded, before picking up a pen and turning his attention once more to the papers in front of him, effectively dismissing the man standing in his doorway. As Derek slowly closed the door behind him, Richard looked up from his desk, put the pen back down, leaned back in his chair, and folded his hands over his stomach.

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Meredith and Cristina entered the locker room, the door swinging shut behind them. Not another soul was about. While Meredith dropped down onto the bench in an exhausted heap, shoulders slumped, her hands hanging down between her jean-clad legs, Cristina strode over to her locker, and began twisting the combination lock. She opened it forcefully, and with a gentle whoosh, something soft fell to the floor. It was small and yellow, with tiny, black musical notes scattered over it. Cristina froze, looking down at the item on the floor. Meredith seemed to notice the silence, and looked at her friend, then followed Cristina's gaze back down to the floor. Burke's scrub cap lay just to the right of Cristina's shoe.

Meredith didn't know what to say. After Cristina's little outburst shortly after the wedding, she had not mentioned Burke at all. Cristina bent down and picked it up, running the material gently through her fingers, before balling it into a heap, and throwing it across the room, her expression angry yet devastated.

Meredith made a quick decision, got to her feet and pulled her into her arms, ignoring Cristina's struggles for freedom.

"Stop it." She whispered, "I'm your person."

Eventually, Cristina leant into her embrace, and hugged her friend back, a silent acknowledgement of the amount of pain she was feeling. They stood that way for a long time, each giving the other the comfort they needed, before Cristina pulled back, and turned to walk into the restroom. When Cristina's back was turned, Meredith walked quickly to where the scrub cap had landed, rolled it up and put it in her bag.

Meredith began changing into her scrubs, slipping on a lavender undershirt, and pulling her scrub top over her head. That done, she changed out of her jeans into her scrub pants, and folded Cristina's jeans and t-shirt into a neat pile on the bench. She grabbed a hair tie out of her bag, and walked over to the mirror, running her fingers through her long, wavy hair as she went. Looking at her reflection, she was struck by how tired she looked, the dark circles under her eyes even more pronounced that usual, her eyelids slightly swollen from crying herself to sleep.

"Yuck," she said quietly, pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail.

"What's yuck?" Cristina enquired, exiting the restroom, looking much more composed than when she had entered it.

"Me," Meredith replied, still staring into the mirror.

Cristina gave a loud snort. "Hah, who cares what you look like? McDreamy can't stop looking at you no matter how you look. In fact, most of the time he looks at you like you're not wearing anything at all, a fact people, meaning me, don't appreciate, by the way."

Meredith took a loud, indrawn breath, loaded with pain. At the mention of Derek, she felt as if someone had stabbed her in the stomach, and was twisting the knife over and over and over again. Her face drained of color, and her eyes welled up with tears, before the sheer volume of moisture was too much for her eyelids, and one, lonely tear made its way down her cheek.

"Mer? Are you okay?" Cristina was asking, a concerned note creeping its way into her voice.

"No." She replied, looking at Cristina in the mirror. "Derek and I broke up. I think."

"You think?" Cristina asked, looking confused. "But, you don't know?"

"I…I…I think I implied that it was over…but I don't…Oh, God Cristina, what do I do?" She stammered.

"Well, first of all you can tell me what the hell happened! Last I knew, you guys were sickly sweet, except for his occasional habit of flirting with other women." Cristina paused, "Oh! Is there another woman? Because, I swear, I can kick his ass from here to New York, if the need arises. One strong grip on that hair of his and…" she ranted, before Meredith cut her off.

"No! There is no other woman. Apparently, I'm it for him," she said, turning away from the mirror to face Cristina.

"Oh. Okay. Well, forget I said anything, then." Cristina replied, as a confused tone began creeping into her voice. "Wait…he told you that you were 'it' for him, and _you _dumped _him_?"

"Um…I think so, but I just couldn't…I just don't know if I can…I…I just…I don't know," Meredith mumbled, despairingly.

"So, let me get this straight. He tells you that you are the love of his life, and he is standing there all McDreamy and McOpen, and you _dump _him? Well, okay, that makes perfect sense. I completely understand." Cristina replies, sarcastically.

Meredith shot Cristina a frustrated look, before heading over to her locker, wiping her hand across her cheek, dashing away the loan tear, and blinking furiously to prevent any more from falling.

"Meredith…" Cristina began to say, "What…"

"Cristina, I don't want to discuss this now, okay? You dragged me in here to work, so…let's work." Meredith interrupted sharply.

"Fine! Go back to being McAvoider if that makes you happy." Cristina snapped back.

With that, Meredith slammed her locker shut, and stalked out of the room, leaving Cristina no choice but to follow, or remain in the locker room, talking to an empty room.

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_**Author's Note: Okay, so still no MerDer meeting in this chapter, although I **__**promise**__** it is coming! Thank you so much for the reviews, they really encourage me to continue this, and to not just leave it here (which would be a little mean for those who are actually reading it! So I promise to wrap it up before I finish it!) I wasn't sure about posting this for others to read, and it means a lot that people take the time to review.**_

_**As for why I chose the Chief as the person for Derek to talk to…I love the relationship between Meredith and Richard on the actual show, and I do think Richard sees Mer as a substitute daughter. (How sweet was that hug, before she sat her exam again! I swear, I watch the last few episodes, and I think "Someone hug that girl! Anyone, just someone do it!" I was so pleased when someone finally did!)Anyway, I digress… I think Richard does understand what Mer's life was like, to some degree, and he knew how much she needed to be held at that moment, even while she was denying it herself. So, sorry if people thought that was an odd choice, it is just how I feel Richard sees Meredith. :)**_

_**Oh, and just to add, I have no idea how long this will be, as I'm not sure how much I will write, if any, after the eventual meeting of Meredith and Derek. My apologies that this took so long to post…I had computer issues. Anyway, I'll stop rambling, **__**thank you so much for reading**__** and reviewing! It makes my day :) **_


	4. Chapter 4

Derek closed the door to the Chief's office, glanced to his right, then turned and walked away. All of a sudden he paused, only just registering what he had seen. Something had caught his eye…he would know that slight frame, that long, wavy, dirty blonde hair anywhere. A small smile flittered across his face, before he turned around again. She looked so beautiful, standing on the bridge, as the sunlight began streaming through the glass, bouncing off her hair, giving her a serene, angelic glow. He slowly began walking towards her, not knowing what he was going to say, only knowing he had to see her, talk to her.

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Meredith stood on the hospital bridge that connected the Chief's office with the hallway opposite. She watched the luminous yellow sun streaked with red as it started to rise above the water, climbing higher and higher in the sky. She was exhausted, both physically and mentally. She had had almost no sleep, and after their conversation in the locker room, Meredith and Cristina had delegated themselves to the pit, as technically they weren't working for another two hours. Meredith had stitched up injured hands, legs, arms and even an eyebrow split open during a bar brawl. The nurses had kept them busy, thankful for the extra help with the overflowing pit. The work had kept Meredith's mind from wandering into territory she hadn't wanted it to enter. But now, as she watched the sky growing lighter the higher the sun climbed in the sky, she could think of nothing else.

She sighed, closing her eyes, and leaned against the railing, her back to the rest of the hospital, trying to calm her mind and her stomach down.

"Hey," a voice said quietly.

Meredith froze, not opening her eyes. Her skin tingled the way is always did when the subject of her thoughts was anywhere near her. Awareness flowed through her veins, seemingly picking up speed with her heart rate. Slowly she opened her eyes, turning her face towards him.

"Hey," she replied, keeping her tone soft.

"We need to talk," Derek said, tilting his head slightly to the side, and looking intensely into her eyes.

She was silent, just looking at him, breathing him in. Wanting desperately to agree with him, but she was too afraid to. Once they began to talk, she didn't know what she would say, what might come out, and she was afraid she would end up pushing him even further away from her. So she tore her eyes from his, and stared off into the sun.

"Meredith." Derek spoke again, lifting his hand towards her, cupping her chin in his hand, and drawing her face back around towards him again. He softly ran his hand over her cheek, and down onto her neck, before running it behind her head, until he was cupping the back of her neck.

She felt herself leaning into his touch, ever so slightly, trapping his hand between her cheek and the base of her neck, before she realized where they were, and turned away from him, giving him her back.

His hand dropped away, and he waited for her to say something.

"I guess we do," she finally replied in a small voice.

There was an awkward pause between them, each knowing they needed to talk, and neither wanting to start the conversation off.

"Meredith…" Derek began.

"Derek, I do see a future for us…I do. I swear." Meredith spoke, her words rushing and running together.

Derek tilted his head again, and began to smile, his eyes warming, and beginning to twinkle. He felt part of the weight lift off his shoulders, before he looked puzzled and replied, "Okay…then why did you say we were over?"

Meredith turned away from him, and looked down over the hospital, her pulse racing. She really did not want to be having this conversation. Cristina was right. She was McAvoider. However, Cristina was also wrong. It did not make her happy. She wasn't happy avoiding the important issues in her life; it just made them easier to cope with. But this was not the time to avoid, she knew that, and if she wanted to fix the mess she had made, she _had _to talk to him, she _had _to explain, or at least try to.

"Everyone leaves eventually, Derek. My father left, my mother was never really there, but she left too…even George left me. You know what he said? _'But I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you.'_ But he did, Derek. He left, and Izzie went with him, saying that if I couldn't fix it with George, she was on his side. Everyone leaves me, everyone…In fact, the only people who have never left are Alex and Cristina."

Derek was silent for a moment, staring at Meredith's back, understanding slowly dawning. Meredith's words made sense with what the Chief had told him, and from what she herself had told him about her family.

"Meredith…I said I would never leave you. I _can't _leave you," he said, attempting to soothe her.

Something inside Meredith snapped, and she felt the words bubbling up, and they were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Really? Because you did a bang-up job of it last time." She said, whirling around to face him.

Silence hug between them like a heavy pall, so silent, and yet so loud. Derek's expression was hard to read, a myriad of emotions running across his face. Meredith just looked at him, stunned at what she had just said, her breathing unsteady and erratic.

"I guess we have more to discuss than I thought," Derek finally spoke, looking somewhat shell-shocked.

A look of horror flashed across Meredith's face as the full implication of what she had just said hit her, before she turned and walked swiftly away from Derek. He seemed too shocked, too hurt to do more than just watch her walk away. She had reached the other side of the bridge, and was turning the corner when he remembered Richard's words.

"_If she is shutting you out, you need to understand why that is."_

Derek felt realization hit him square in the chest, nearly knocking him over. He sprinted off in the direction that she had gone. He saw her dart into the elevator, and just as the doors were starting to close, he slipped in beside her.

She shot him an annoyed look, and then stared as the lights lit up on the elevator, indicating their descent. Derek looked at her for a second, before pulling the stop button, the lift lurching to a halt.

"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed, jerking her head around to look at him.

"We can be paged if they need us…I'm not leaving here until we have discussed this. God, Meredith, I can't do this anymore, this back and forward, on and off thing we have going. It exhausts me. I never know where we stand. You say you are in, that you see a future for us, but the minute things get difficult, you leave. You walk away. You avoid things, Meredith." Derek said, a weary look passing over his face.

Meredith gave him an incredulous look, sparks shooting out her eyes. "I avoid things? I walk away? Well, gee, Derek, I wonder who I learnt that off! Do you think it was easy for me to see you with Addison _every single day_? Do you think it was easy for me to stand in front of you and _beg_? I don't beg, Derek, I have _never_ begged. But I begged _you_. I told you I loved you, I told you I was in, so in that it was humiliating. I said 'I love you,' to you, Derek, to your face, and you still left me! I'm not the only one who avoids things, who walks away!"

"No, you aren't. I avoid things! I _know_ that! I avoided telling you I loved you because I loved you so much it hurt, Meredith! Do you think it was easy for _me_ to go back to Addison, to see you every day and not be able to hold you? But I had to go back to her. I had to give my marriage a chance. If I didn't….I would never have been able to get over the guilt, Meredith. I thought I owed Addison another chance. But do you think I don't regret my choice? Do you really think that if I had it to do over again, that I wouldn't pick you? Not picking you is easily one of the top five worst decisions of my life! I was miserable…for _months_! Watching you move on, the whole George thing, and then Finn. Every time you smiled, and it wasn't directed at me, it hurt!" Derek yelled, frustration etched onto his face.

"I didn't move on, Derek! I tried to….I tried so hard. But you wouldn't leave my thoughts! No matter what I did, you wouldn't leave me! And then, we decided to be friends or….whatever, and things got so much harder! I was barely breathing, Derek! Some days it was an effort to get out of bed!" Meredith replied forcefully, her stomach curling into a hard knot.

"So how did we go from there to here? Ho w did you go from loving me, to discarding me in a matter of months?!" Derek demanded, his eyes blazing.

"Because it is easier for me to make the decision to end this, for it to be _my_ decision, than to wait for you to come to the inevitable conclusion on your own! It is easier for me to walk away, than to watch _you_ leave _me_!" Meredith yelled back at him.

The silence was deafening, neither of them breathed, neither of them moved. Finally Derek broke the silence, starting to move closer towards Meredith.

"This is one thing I'm not going to walk away from. I've perfected the art of walking away. I walked away when I found Mark and Addison, I avoided that situation. I came out here, and I met you. You saved me, Meredith. You taught me what it is to love, to truly love. I'm not walking away from this, I'm sticking. For once in my life, I'm sticking, because if I walk away from this, I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. But if you want out, if I'm not enough for you, I'll walk away. I'll walk away if that is what it takes for you to be truly happy. But if there is a chance that you don't want this to be over, if there is even the slightest chance, I'm not walking away, Meredith." Derek said softly, his tone so different from before.

Meredith looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes, before she sunk slowly to the floor, tears spilling down over her cheeks.

Derek bent down, kneeling on the ground, and took her in his arms, slowly drawing her to him, rubbing her back in slow, gentle circles. She tensed in his embrace, but he merely held her, whispering soft words in her ear, until she relaxed, wrapped her arms around his neck, and sobbed into his chest.

"Meredith, you have to believe me. I know I've made some terrible choices, I know I've let you down more times than I can count, I know that I treated you like crap over Finn, and George. I know how many mistakes I've made. But this time, I'm not walking away, not if you want me to stay. But you need to tell me what you want. You need to tell me if you want me to stay, Meredith. It's your choice. So, what do you want?"

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**Okay, I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, but anyway, as promised, the MerDer 'reunion' :) I thought I would post two chapters to make up for the lack of updates…but it does mean that the next one will take a little longer. Hope you enjoyed it, and thank you for reading. (Hopefully it wasn't too cheesy ;) ) Oh, and thank you so much for the reviews! It is exciting to check my emails, and find reviews in my inbox for me to read! They are very much appreciated!**


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith lifted her tear-stained face towards him, staring into his eyes, her expression vulnerable and unsure, opening her mouth to say something, and then closing it again, with a little shake of her head.

"Meredith, I…" Derek began, before his pager began beeping. "Damn it!" He swore, getting to his feet. Once upright, he reached his hand out to Meredith, waiting for her to clasp it, before he pulled her to her feet. He turned her hand over, and gently ran his thumb over the soft skin of her palm, and with his other hand pushed the stop button. The lift lurched back into life, carrying them downwards.

"We'll have to finish this later," Derek said, looking into her eyes, waiting for a response.

Meredith simply nodded, wisps of her hair falling over her face. Derek nodded back, looking relieved.

"I'll come by tonight, okay?"

"Okay," she accepted, after a long pause, and then pulled her hand away from his, and running her fingers over her cheeks, drying the lingering tears.

Derek gave her a hard look, trying to gauge where she was at, what she was thinking, trying to read her expression, but he was getting nowhere. The elevator doors pinged open, and he gave her one last, long look, before exiting the lift, and walking swiftly down the hallway.

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Cristina and Meredith walked into the locker room together, both exhausted. They had been at the hospital far longer than they should have been. They had been assigned to the clinic all day, dealing with all the non-emergent cases. And while Meredith had appreciated that as she wasn't in the mood for a surgery, especially if it involved a surgery with Derek, Cristina had grumbled and complained about not being allowed to cut, and how the clinic was for nurses, and she was a surgeon, for god's sake.

The two girls began undressing, slipping out of their scrubs into their casual clothes.

"Cristina, I'm going to have to borrow your clothes again," Meredith said, pulling Cristina's jeans back on.

"Whatever," Cristina replied, not really paying attention.

Meredith rolled her eyes, and pulled on the black t-shirt, slipping her feet into her shoes. Cristina slammed her locker shut, and grabbed her bag.

"You ready?" she asked Meredith, her tone clearly implying that to say no was not an option.

"Yeah, just need to put on my coat," Meredith replied, giving Cristina a concerned look.

"Stop looking at me like that!" Cristina snapped.

"Okay!" Meredith said, holding both her hands up in the air. "Sorry!"

Meredith turned to her locker, and pulled out her coat, and shutting her locker. When she pulled her coat on, the scrub cap from earlier fell out, and landed at her feet. She didn't have time to pick it back up before Cristina noticed.

"What the hell was that doing in your pocket?" She demanded, holding out her hand.

Meredith looked at Cristina, and picked up the scrub cap, and proceeded to put it back in her pocket.

"Meredith! Give it here." Cristina said, an angry scowl on her face.

"No," Meredith replied, forcefully.

"No…? It's mine! If I want to throw it out, I can throw it out!" Cristina snapped back at her.

"Exactly. If I give it back to you, you'll throw it out. And you might regret that later. So I'm keeping it till further notice." Meredith said calmly, watching Cristina carefully to see her reaction.

It wasn't long in coming.

"Like hell! I don't want to see it, I don't need it anymore! In fact, it turns out I never needed it!" Cristina said bitterly.

"Are we still talking about the scrub cap?" Meredith asked, a concerned look on her face.

"Yes!" Cristina hissed. "Would you just give me the damn thing!"

"Nope," Meredith replied, cheerfully, taking the scrub cap out of her pocket, and stuffing it into her bra.

Cristina threw her a disgusted look.

"Don't think I won't go in there," she warned.

Meredith looked worried for a second, before she laughed, grabbed her bag and headed for the door. Cristina gave her an annoyed look, before following, deciding to leave Meredith's chest alone…for now.

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Something was wrong with Izzie. Meredith didn't know what it was, but something was definitely up. Meredith arrived home after dropping Cristina off at home, to find the kitchen a chaotic mess of mixing bowls, wooden spoons and measuring cups. There was flour all over the bench, and floor, and eggs shells in the sink. The scent of freshly baked muffins hung in the air, and the basket she kept on top of the fridge was missing. Something was definitely wrong. Izzie only baked muffins when she was upset or worried about something. And while Meredith appreciated the baking, she wasn't so keen on the state her kitchen was in. To be fair, she never used the kitchen, cooking wasn't exactly her strong point, but she still liked her kitchen to have some semblance of order. Waking up in the morning, and being faced with a huge stack of dishes…well, that wasn't how she liked to start her day. If she was honest, the way she liked to start her day hadn't been to her place in weeks, so the dishes probably wouldn't put too much of a damper on her mood.

Meredith walked into the hall and called up the stairs.

"Izzie? Iz! What have you done to my kitchen! More importantly, what's up with the muffins? Iz...Izzie?" Meredith called, her voice taking on a puzzled tone when there was no answer, from Izzie or Alex.

Not a sound emerged from upstairs, so Meredith unenthusiastically began climbing the stairs, supporting her weary body on the handrail. She called out to Izzie as she walked down the hall, knocking softly on the bedroom door. The door creaked open, and Meredith quietly entered the room, wondering if Izzie was asleep.

"Iz?" she whispered, "Are you awake?"

Izzie was lying on the bed, the basket of muffins wrapped in her arms, her face turned away from the door. Meredith quietly walked towards the bed, and gently pried her friend's arms away from the baked goods, and set them on the floor. She walked over to the wardrobe, and pulled a blanket down from the top shelf, before walking back to the bed, and covering Izzie with the blanket. Meredith frowned as she looked down at the blonde woman who was now sleeping peacefully, but her tear-stained cheeks suggested she was less than happy. Meredith made a mental note to quiz Izzie when she woke up, and exited the room as silently as she had entered.

Meredith made her way back downstairs, determined to sort out the mess in the kitchen before she went to bed, and before Derek arrived. Truth be told, she wasn't entirely sure whether he was still coming. She hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since their moment together in the elevator, a fact she was secretly pleased about. She had no idea what to say to him after her little outburst, and avoiding him at this point in time, well, that was her new plan. And so far it was working wonders for that slightly nauseous feeling in her stomach.

Meredith began stacking the dishes in the sink, picking up the ingredients Izzie had left lying all over the counter top, and put them back into the pantry. She put the muffins Izzie hadn't managed to cram into the basket into an airtight container, muttering to herself as she went.

"I've never been this domesticated in my life," she mumbled. "Where are the seven dwarfs when you need them…."

She set the now full container on the bench, and grabbed a clean dishcloth, wiping away the flour and sugar sprinkled like snow across her bench top, and down the cupboards onto the floor. Her hair slipped out of its restraint, and flopped down her back, wisps framing her face. She pushed the hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand, and walked over the laundry, throwing the now flour covered dishcloth into the washing machine.

She walked back over to the sink, and began tackling the dishes. She had just finished washing them when she felt someone's gaze on her. She turned around, and there, in her kitchen doorway, was Derek. He was leaning casually against the doorframe, his arms folded across his chest, just watching her. Keeping her eyes on him, Meredith picked up a tea towel, and slowly dried her hands, before setting the towel on the bench.

"You came," she said, wishing she had kept the towel, to give herself something to do with her hands. She settled for crossing her hands in front of her, and fiddling with her watch.

"Of course I came. I said I would." Derek replied, a hint of a smile on his face as he watched her play with her watch.

"I know, but it's late, and I wondered if…." Her voice faded away.

Both of them reverted to silence, and while she continued to twist her watch nervously, flipping it effortlessly around her tiny wrist, he just watched her, his head tilted slightly.

Meredith finally broke the silence. "Wow, we suck at this communication…whatever, huh."

Derek laughed, before replying dryly, "Yeah."

Meredith smiled, a small giggle escaping.

"Ah, I haven't heard that in a long time. I miss it," Derek said, looking at her, his eyes warm.

"Heard what?" Meredith asked, confused, a smile still gracing her lips.

"Your laugh," he answered, watching her closely.

The smile slowly died from her face, and her eyes dulled. She tore her eyes away from his, and looked at the floor.

Derek watched the smile fade from her lips, her face losing all animation, and she began to look more and more like a porcelain doll, beautiful, but devoid of emotion, her expression frozen in time, painted on. He had to get to the root of the problem if he had any hope of fixing this, of making her believe.

"Meredith, why didn't you tell me you didn't go to Susan's funeral?" Derek asked softly.

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**Okay, so this isn't going to be much longer, I don't think, as I refuse to write Lexie, and I have no idea what to do with George failing...so I think I will sort out MerDer, one way or the other, and then wind it up. I may change my mind, but that is where I am at at the moment. Hope you are enjoying it, and thanks for reading! Oh, and thank you so much for the reviews!! I really appreciate them, and enjoying reading the things you like/don't like...etc:) Hope you enjoy :)**


	6. Chapter 6

"How do you know that?" Meredith asked, her head snapping up from the ground, giving Derek an astonished look.

"I talked to Richard, and…" Derek began, before Meredith cut him off.

"You did what? You talked to the Chief about me?" She said quietly.

"Yes. Meredith..." Derek began again.

"Why, Derek? Why would you discuss my private life with my boss, of all people?" She asked, her voice harsh, anger creeping in.

"I think the more pressing question is 'why didn't **you** tell me?' I should never have had to hear that from Richard in the first place! **You** should have told me, Meredith!"

Meredith looked at him, and there was something…some feeling lingering in her eyes, just barely, but it was there. He could see it, shimmering in the back of her beautiful, luminous eyes. Hope. But as fast as it had appeared, it was gone, leaving behind pools of sadness, fear and misery.

"It didn't affect you…it wasn't important enough to mention," she replied bitterly, tearing her eyes away from him, and looking back down at the floor, her hair falling over her eyes. As soon as she said that, Meredith could hear her parent's voices, as if they were right beside her, the words forever burned into her memory.

_Thatcher, I have to go to the hospital, I'm going to be late. I don't have time for this now, my work is more important than a child's birthday party. I'll celebrate with her later… someone could die while you moan about me missing a child's party! I don't see why we even needed to have one! Just take her, damn it. I have to go. I have to be somewhere more important!_

_Daddy, Daddy, don't go! Take me with you! Please! Daddy! Daddy, don't leave me! What did I do? Please, please don't go! Daaaddyy!!_

_I came here to tell you, Meredith, you're not wanted._

_I should never have had a kid._

_Meredith! What is the meaning of this? There is no excuse for this grade…I raised you to be better than that! How is it going to look if the daughter of Ellis Grey does not get top marks...the best in the class?_

She took a deep breath, trying desperately to clear the voices out of her head, voices that haunted her, followed her, influenced each and every decision she made. Voices that made her doubt herself, doubt those around her. She struggled to believe that Derek would stay; she struggled because she wondered, 'was she good enough for him?' Once he got to know her, wouldn't he leave like everyone else? She couldn't watch him walk away again…if he was going to leave, if he was going to walk away, it was going to be on her terms. She was taking the control back. He had made the decision last time to walk away, this time the decision was hers. She could hate herself for ruining her relationship with Derek, she could cope with that. But it was impossible for her to hate him, it messed with her head. But hating herself came easily. She could cope with inflicting the misery on herself, to have it be her fault...as most things were. She could protect herself, and him, by walking away, by shutting him out.

"When it affects you, it affects me. And it is far more important than you are letting on, Meredith. So why didn't you tell me?" Derek was saying, his tone soft.

"Why can people not seem to accept that there are some things I don't want to talk about? It's how I am, how I've always been!" Meredith responded, dodging his question.

"That's not true. That is **not** how you have always been! _Not_ with me. You used to tell me things; you used to tell me the important things, Meredith. You told me about your Mother's Alzheimer's. No one else knew, but you told **me**. You never even told Cristina. You told me about George, and we weren't even together then! I knew, and only I knew, exactly how much your Mother's death affected you, how you were dealing with it each day. You used to tell me things, Meredith, and then suddenly you just stopped!" Derek said, looking at her, the hurt so evident on his face.

"You badgered me to tell you about George, Derek," she said, sparks shooting out her eyes. "_You_ asked _me_."

"Meredith…I know you. If you hadn't wanted to tell me about George, you _wouldn't_ have. You are far too stubborn," he replied, a gentle look in his eyes. "I may have pulled it out of you, but you did want to tell me."

"Well, I told you those things before…!" Meredith began, before she stopped abruptly. She knew that was one sentence she couldn't finish, because if she did, who knew what can of worms she would be opening.

"Before what?" he queried.

"Nothing," Meredith relied, "It doesn't matter."

Derek's first instinct was to let it go, to let her avoid, to just let her get away with not letting him in again. But as that thought entered his head, he heard the Chief's voice ringing in his ears.

"_I learnt you had to push through her barriers, and do what she required, despite her protests. Meredith is the same. In every other way possible she is different from her Mother, but in that they are alike."_

Push through the barriers…push through the barriers. Push. Push. Push. Derek didn't even know where to begin with that. He wasn't a pusher. He avoided things too. But having two avoiders in a relationship was clearly not going to work. Meredith had walls up, walls so high and thick that it would take a lot to bring them crashing down. Walls that protected her, walls that shut him out of every aspect of her life. Meredith dodged every question that got too close to crumbling those walls. In fact, she was so successful at it, he had nicknamed her the 'Artful Dodger.' Not that he would ever tell her that. But it came naturally to her, avoidance. And he understood that. He did. It made even more sense to him after talking with the Chief.

"_Meredith was raised to be independent, to figure things out on her own, and to never accept help from anyone. Because, to her, accepting help is a sign of weakness. And no daughter of Ellis Grey was ever allowed to appear weak."_

"_If she is shutting you out, if she won't let you in, then you need to understand and accept why that is, Derek. She has learnt to rely on herself, to struggle through life alone. Asking for help does not come naturally to her."_

Derek's family was close, and always had been. They relied on each other, looked out for each other. He couldn't imagine having no-one, growing up alone. Having five sisters had been a challenge, but that is where Mark had come in handy. He had been the brother Derek never had and always wanted. Mark had been a relief from all the estrogen, a port in a storm of female emotions and feelings. Mark had been there for him when his father had died. As the only men in the family, Derek and his father had got on well. They went fishing together, his father taught him how to drive, how to find the best fishing spot, which type of bait to use, how to thread a line. And when he had died, Derek had barely coped. He had missed him so much that at times he though he would die from the pain. Mark had rescued him, taking him away for weekends, away from all the memories, and had truly helped him to survive. Mark was as much his family as his sisters and his mother was, they had grown up together, worked together.

It wasn't Addison's betrayal that had hurt the most, but Mark's. If he was honest, he and Addie had fallen out of love a long time before the affair, so, while her betrayal had hurt, it was Mark's that had crippled him. Derek could understand to some degree the hurt Meredith felt over her family, over Thatcher and Ellis, and all that had happened in the last few months. But he could never comprehend it fully, and he needed her to help him understand. Push. Push. Push. He was going to have to push it, to push her to breaking point if they were ever going to make any headway. But he had to be careful not to push too far, too hard. There was a fine line between forcing her to talk, and pushing her over the edge. He knew he was probably going to be at this a while, but it was worth it, _she_ was worth it. She was a lot of work, but she was worth it.

"Meredith, why didn't you tell me you didn't go to Susan's funeral?" Derek repeated, determinedly.

Meredith gave him an incredulous look, shocked he was asking her again.

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_**Okay, so I'm struggling with the next chapter, but will do my best to get it done as soon as possible. Thanks so much for the reviews...they are a major reason I'm posting this chapter up now. I know it is short, and for that I am truly sorry, but I figured a little was better than nothing ;) Hope you enjoy, and the next one will be up...soonish:)**_


	7. Chapter 7

A panicked, nauseous feeling came over Meredith. He wasn't going to give up. He really _wasn't_ going to walk away. This was a side of Derek she hadn't seen before, and she wasn't sure she was entirely comfortable with it. He was determined that she was going to answer him, and she didn't seem to be able to avoid his question. He had asked her twice. _Twice_. It was then that she realized he was serious. And now she was afraid. What else was he going to want to know? What else could she bring herself to tell him? Once she started, there would be no going back. Once the words were out there, that was it. She couldn't reverse time; she couldn't go back to a time when her world made sense, if it ever had. Brushing him off was her best bet, her safest bet. He didn't need to know just how dark and twisty she was.

"It was no big deal, Derek." Meredith answered, turning away from him to face the sink once more.

"Really? Your father coming to the hospital, and telling you, in front of your friends, in front of the Chief, that you were banned from Susan's funeral was 'no big deal?'" Derek asked, keeping his tone soft, not letting slip any of the frustration that was coursing through his body.

"No," Meredith replied, still facing the sink, her back to Derek.

"So blaming you for Susan's death was also no big deal." Derek stated matter of factually.

Meredith was silent, but he saw her shoulders tense, heard her breathing quicken. He was getting to her. When he thought about the pain that she had to be going through, the pain he was forcing her to relive, he felt sick. But he had to push the issue. He had to help her work through it, whether she was a willing participant of not.

"Meredith?" He asked, still determined that they were going to have this conversation. One that wasn't him asking, and her avoiding, but a real conversation.

When he got no answer, he tried again, hoping that if he pushed enough, she would break.

"Meredith." He said once more, raising his voice.

Meredith whipped around to face him, fire flashing in her eyes. "What exactly do you want to know, Derek? Just how painful it was to hear, once again, how things that happen are _my_ fault? To have it proven, time and time again that…that when people leave me it's my fault?"

Derek was silent, his satisfaction at having got through to her short-lived, the full force of her pain nearly knocking him over.

"Do you remember me telling you I have only begged once, Derek?" Meredith asked angrily.

"Yes," he replied, softly.

"I lied. I've begged twice, Derek. Twice I have begged the men in my life to stay. Twice. And both times they left me. I begged him, Derek. I was only five, but I begged him, I pleaded, but he turned around and walked away. He walked away. I never saw him again, till years later, the night I slept with George. He had no excuse. He…he had a new family. He didn't even recognize me, at first." Meredith gave a bitter laugh.

_Daddy, Daddy, don't go! Take me with you! Please! Daddy! Daddy, don't leave me! What did I do? Please, please don't go! Daaaddyy!_

"I vividly remember the night he left. I asked my Mother why he had gone, and she just looked at me. She looked at me, and walked away. I thought that look meant he left because of me. I remember asking him what I had done wrong, but he got in the car and left. He left, Derek. And he wasn't the only one. My Mother left, and…Susan…"

When Meredith broke off on a sob, Derek started towards her, seeing the anguish on her face, and wanting desperately to comfort her, guilt at the part he had played in damaging her when he walked away weighing heavily on his heart.

"No. Don't." Her words stopped him in his tracks.

"Meredith, Susan didn't leave you. If she had a choice, she would still be here. You know that. She didn't leave you. The decision wasn't hers."

"No, it was mine!" Meredith said, tears slipping silently down her cheeks.

"Meredith. That isn't true. As a surgeon, you _know_ that isn't true. She came to the hospital; she came to Seattle Grace because she trusted you, because she wanted to be near you. You did everything you could. Things happen, we can't control everything. Her death was _not_ your fault."

Derek's words spun her back in time to Richard's words to her in the locker room, just before the intern exam.

_"You're not to blame for Susan Grey's death and you know that, and your father knows it too. He's just... well, he's never been the best communicator. And he just lost his wife."_

She remembered the words she had hurled back at him.

_"Stop acting like my surrogate father."_

He wasn't her father, but oh how she wished he was. The one thing about Richard; he took his responsibilities very seriously, he would never have left her. She often wondered how much simpler her life would have been if he had been her Father, if he had been there to explain her Mother's behavior to her, the way he had during her intern year.

"_You think the world stops when you stop. But it just keeps on going. People perform your surgeries better than you could, the next generation comes up and you are scared you'll be forgotten. Your Mother stopped for five years, and you became someone."_

"_According to her I didn't. According to her, I'm a disappointment."_

"_In a perfect world, she'd be able to tell you she was proud of you. But it's not a perfect world, and your Mother's not a perfect woman."_

The Chief was a connection with her Mother; he had bought out the side in Ellis that she always wished she could inspire, but never did. He gave her a glimpse of who her mother could have been, and it was better than nothing. It gave her a little hope that she could learn from Ellis' mistakes, and be a better Mother to her own children, should that ever become an issue. Perhaps what Richard saw in her was something she needed to see in herself. That she was worth someone's time and energy.

She was so adamant that he wasn't her father, because it hurt her so much that he wasn't. But she couldn't let herself believe a lie, believe something that wasn't, and never could, become reality.

_"Just because you slept with my mother... that does not make you my father!"_

She had been so harsh, so unwilling to bend, to give him an inch. Because an inch was all it would have taken for her to have crumbled, right then and there. And she couldn't break down in front of her boss; she couldn't break down in front of anyone. But despite how horrible she had been, how cruel she had been, he had still helped her, he had given her hope.

_"If you called me here to lecture me..."she had begun, only to be interrupted.  
_

_"There's a copy of the interns' exam on the table. A number two pencil, a bottle of water and a sandwich if you get hungry. I assigned a proctor and I will come back in a few hours to check on you."_

_  
"You are not my father," she had said, unalterably.  
_

_"I know that," he had answered, and looking at her, he had moved towards her and pulled her into his arms._

How much easier would it have been, how much safer would she have felt, how much more loved would she have been, if he had been her family, if she could have been wrapped up in those arms of his, and protected from the world. If she could have experienced love the way a child is supposed to feel loved. Loved, wanted and worthwhile.

Derek watched as a million different emotions played across Meredith's face, before he moved closer to her, reaching out a hand, and slowly pulled her close to him. The dam had burst, and she sobbed against his chest, while he stroked her hair, the scent of lavender floating around him, wrapping around his heart. She clung to him until her sobs slowed, and she was gulping in air, completely spent. A long while later, when she was silent, he began to speak.

"Meredith, we need to start over. From the beginning." Derek said tenderly, rubbing his hand soothingly up and down her back.

Meredith slowly pulled away from him, running her fingers through her hair in a nervous gesture.

"We tried that already, Derek. We tried that, and it didn't work. When does it become enough? When have you had enough? When is it just not worth it?" She questioned, sadness pooling in her eyes.

"When have I had enough of what? Of you?" Derek asked, genuinely confused.

"It's not like it hasn't happened before," she replied softly.

"Meredith, I hadn't had enough of you. I just couldn't continue in a relationship with you, bringing you down with my guilt of not at least attempting to make things work with Addison. It was the worst decision I have ever made. And I need you to know…I was going to tell you about her, the night she showed up, I was going to tell you over dinner. I didn't tell you before because…I don't know why. I just knew that once I realized how I felt about you, when we decided to make rules, that it wasn't going to be a casual thing, I had to tell you. But she turned up, and…I lost my chance. I hurt you, and that is the last thing in the world I wanted to do. Leaving you made me miserable. Living without you made me…I just know that I can't do it again, Meredith. I can't ever have enough of you, you are enough for me, but I fear…" Derek broke off suddenly, mid-sentence.

"You fear what?" Meredith asked, trying to absorb all he was saying.

"I fear that I'm not enough for you, that you don't need me the way I need you." Derek said, for the first time looking vulnerable.

"What are you talking about?"

"You gave up, Meredith. You gave up, you didn't swim. Do you know what it felt like to pull you out of the water, your skin so blue, so cold. You weren't breathing. I breathed for you for so long, too long…I got to see what my life would be like without you, and I hated it, Meredith! I didn't know what to do, I felt so helpless, so useless. You gave up on me, on us, I wasn't enough for you. And you gave up on us again, you once again picked your friends over me, you said we were over. I can't keep living with the fear that you will give up again." Derek finished, his breathing uneven, and shaking.

Meredith was silent, looking at him, the force of what he had felt hitting her for the first time. That night in the trailer, she had realized that he knew she had given up, that she didn't swim, but she had been so shocked that he knew that, that nothing else really sunk in.

"_I don't know. It's just…that day. I came out of the water. I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you. I love you and I want you but I don't know if…you didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to. And I don't know if I can…I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you."  
_

It occurred to Meredith for the first time, that she wasn't the only one with trust issues. She didn't trust him not to leave her, and he didn't trust her not to leave him. He had been trying to tell her how he felt, and she had left. She had walked away.

"I didn't give up on _you_, Derek. The water was cold. I fell in, and when I hit the water, I had the wind knocked out of me. I did swim. I did fight. But then I thought, just for a second, 'what's the point?'…and I stopped fighting. But I…you are enough for me, Derek. So much so that it scares me, the power that you have to hurt me. I can't take you leaving me again, I can't cope with living without you…I can't…" She faded away, her emotions so close to the surface, that even talking was difficult.

"I guess that's something we have in common, then," Derek said, looking at her intensely.

"Yeah," she said quietly.

"Meredith, I meant it when I said we have to start again, from the beginning." Derek replied, his tone serious.

"And I meant it when I said we have already tried that, Derek. Maybe this is just not meant to work out, maybe…"

"We never really started again, Meredith. We said we would, but we just leapt back into where we were before Addison, before everything. This had been a hell of a year…so much has happened. We need to simplify things; learn to trust each other again. We need to start over from the very beginning." Derek said, interrupting her.

"Start over." Meredith repeated.

"Start over." He confirmed. "I want to hear you laugh again, to see you smile, for you to be happy. And I can't have any of those things if we keep things the way they are. I know we have so much left to say, so much to talk about. But we need to get to know each other again, Meredith, from the very beginning."

"Okay," she said, a slow smile forming on her delicate lips, the idea of a fresh start, a clean slate appealing to her.

"Okay," he said, giving a relieved sigh. "Okay, then I will pick you up tomorrow night, and we can go out for dinner."

Meredith looked at him, an amused look slowly appearing on her face.

He just grinned, and walked out of the kitchen. He had nearly made it to the front door when Meredith called out to him. He stopped, and turned to face her.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Derek flashed her a smile, before turning and walking out the front door. His heart felt lighter than it had in a while. She had agreed with him. They were starting over, from the very beginning. And while he acknowledged that they had some serious issues to work through, this time, this time he knew they could make it work. It was amazing how much better one could feel when they believed.

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**_First of all, my apologies for not updating sooner...I am in my last week of university for the semester, and the workload has been, well, let's just say that when this week is over, I will be thrilled...;)_**

**_Anyway, that's it. I've done what I set out to do, which was try to explain, to myself more than anyone else, why Shonda had to 'burn it all down.' These two have some serious issues, and I didn't fix, or make them talk about all/many of them, because I think these things take time, they don't all happen at once. But there was a start, an attempt at communication, and a desire by both of them to make it work. I truly believe that Shonda did have to burn things down so that they can have a fresh start, which, in my opinion, is something they need to do. They need to go back to dating...no moving in, no engagement, no marriage...no bigs steps. They need to sort out the little things, and they need to get to know each other again, to learn to trust each other again. Of course, this is merely my opinion :)_**

**_Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! It was so encouraging to know that people were actually reading this! I am contemplating continuing to write fan fics, but I will have to see how it goes!_**

**_A huge thank you to two wonderful women who helped me with this chapter, who allowed me to use them as people to bounce ideas off. It was greatly appreciated! So thank you to L and T (aka 'O')...I am only using their initial in case they don't want me to announce their names on here. :) Thank you again to my readers and reviewers..you really encouraged me to continue and to finish this. :) Sorry if this is not the way you wanted this to end, but it was an ending I felt comfortable with, and I felt it was more realistic, and healthy, than having them jump back into where they were. Hope you enjoy, and maybe it gives you some hope for season four. (Wow...sorry for the long ramble...:) )_**


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